Better Forgotten
by monkeycrackmary
Summary: Pain, memory, and a promise.


Sirius didn't know what to say. 

"Remus, you shouldn't - I mean, thankyou, but these things aren't cheap." 

"What's money if you can't spend it?" Remus replied, ignoring the muttered reply 'something we don't have a lot of'. "Anyway, it was a purely selfish motivation, if you must know." 

Sirius raised one eyebrow. "Oh yes? How so?" 

"Your nightmares are so bad you wake me up. And I must get my beauty rest." Remus deadpanned. Sirius rolled his eyes with a laugh. 

"Well, all right. If it's in your best interests then I accept the gift gratefully." 

Remus nodded. "Good, otherwise I would have turned you into something unpleasant, possibly involving copious amounts of smelly green fluid." 

~ 

That scene had taken place in the early afternoon. It was rather late at night now, and Remus was the one with interrupted sleep for a change. Sirius snored quietly, peaceful for the first time in a very long time. 

The nightmares had shown no sign of lessening as time went on, so eventually Remus had started looking into possible solutions. Sirius was outright in his denial of some suggestions - no memory charms, because it was important to him that he never allow himself to forget. That had been the source of one of their worst rows in all the years that they'd known each other. They'd been shouting by the end of it, objects whirling around the room. So much for maturity coming with age. 

"I can't forget. It made me who I am, can't you see? I have to remember so that I have the clarity of revenge. Without that there's so little left to keep me going." Sirius had said in a raised voice. 

"Oh, I'm sure Harry would be delighted to know how little he means to you." Remus had spat back. "That remembering years of torture is more of a reason to go on then he is." 

"Don't twist my words. You know what I meant." 

"No, I don't, Sirius. Some things are better forgotten." Remus was trying to remain calm but wasn't doing a very good job of it. 

"You complete hypocrite! You're a creature of your pain as much as I am. You wallow in guilt and self-loathing. You think that I need help? I remember a fifteen year old boy who charged into every adventure at full speed. I remember a young man who never let anything trouble him, he was too busy finding a way to remedy whatever the problem was. But now you choose to live in a shell of misery." 

"Oh that's rich!" Remus' anger belied the hurt Sirius' words had caused. "Comparing our problems like that. I have to live with the knowledge of what could happen to me, to others. It could happen at any full moon from now until I die, Sirius. Your pain is in the past. You obviously can't put it there yourself, because every night you thrash about and wake up screaming. Why won't you let me help you leave it behind?" 

"It's not in the past. Voldemort has returned." Sirius said quietly. The mood in the room altered instantly. Remus let his anger fall away. 

"The dark times aren't gone, that's a sad truth." he admitted. "But your time in Azkaban is over, Sirius." 

Remus stepped in closer to Sirius, his words soft. "I promise you that. You will never have to return to Azkaban. I swear my life on it." 

"No, Moony, don't. Oaths are powerful things." Sirius protested. Remus stepped in closer. 

"I swear my life on it." he repeated firmly, running his hand down Sirius' cheek, feeling a slight tremor at the touch. Then Sirius crumbled, clutching onto Remus and sobbing. Great hiccoughs of pain, his arms encircling so tigh Remus couldn't breathe properly. 

~ 

Remus had thought of a compromise in the use of the pensieve. Sirius could keep his memories, but the detachment that the bowl would offer could perhaps fight against the terrors in his dreams. 

It certainly seemed to be working in the respect, Remus thought happily as he looked over at the dark shape of Sirius, sleeping comfortably. 

Unable to rest himself, Remus got up and went over to where the shifting silver of the pensieve glowed from its bowl. Sirius wouldn't mind him looking, surely. 

Having made up his mind, Remus looked down into the well of distilled memory and felt it tug him down into its depths. 

~ 

"Get away from me!" Sirius roared at the Dementors around him. Another pail of icy water was dumped into his head and the roar became an involuntary scream. "Get away! What, you think if you give me five feet of personal space while I wash then I'll escape?" a bitter laugh as Sirius pushed his matted, dripping hair off his face, teeth clicking with cold. One of the Dementors glided forward. Sirius shrank away. 

"No, I'm sorry. Please, not again. I'm sorry. Dont." but the dark creature drew nearer and put its disgusting, bloated hand on Sirius' forehead, forcing him to relive a memory. Remus felt to shift in place and time as the pensieve took him where the memory-within-a-memory went. 

~ 

Sirius and James were skimming stones by the edge of a lake, talking in sad, worried voices. 

"Change to Peter, James. It's far safer." 

"I don't see how. You're like my brother, Padfoot." 

Sirius sighed. 

"I can't. I'm getting more and more certain every day that Remus is a double agent." 

"More and more certain? Sirius, this is Remus were talking about. He's never been able to keep a secret from you in his life. If he is, you of all people would know it." 

"But I don't know. That's the problem. I don't know what I would do if worst came to worst. I know I could survive agony for you, Lily and Harry, no question. But that's just physical. I don't know if I deserve your trust in this because I can't see into my own heart the way the Sorting Hat can with the first years at school. I can't tell you with the sort of certainty that's vital to you right now that I wouldn't crumble. You understand, don't you? If you discovered Lily had turned dark, or Harry when he's older, or me... when a person rips out your heart, you sometimes find yourself following their tracks in the blood, despite yourself. I don't know how to say this so you'll understand." 

"I understand." James assured him. "And I wish there were words of comfort I could give. Every closeness endangers us now. You fear that Remus puts you in a vulnerable position, and you don't want me to be put in a similar situation because of our friendship. These are terrible times." James gave a rueful smile. "We're just lucky we can still trust Peter." 

~ 

"No." Sirius said as the Dementor withdrew its hand. "I won't blame him. You can't make me blame him. No matter what you do I'll never say it was Moony's fault." he started to laugh madly, but it didn't stay laughter for very long. 

Remus watched Sirius as he was forced back into the corner of his cell before the Dementors left him alone with his misery. 

Sirius gazed out the small window at the moon, three-quarters of a bright silver orb in the sky. Waxing towards full. 

"Do you hate me, Moony?" Sirius said softly. Remus felt momentarily jolted before he realised Sirius wasn't speaking to him. He wasn't really there, after all. "Even when I thought you were working with them, I never hated you. Not once. And I don't now. I live in the fantasy that you perhaps don't hate me. But you were always unforgiving about dark arts and dark creatures. I wonder what you're doing now?" 

After that, Sirius lapsed into silence, watching the moon move across the sky, never stirring. Remus sat, watching the scene and slowly getting a sense of how hell might feel. 

'Over a decade, he went through this every night for over a decade.' Remus thought, astounded. 'And somehow survived it.' 

As dawn approached, the memory ended. Sirius hadn't moved. 

~ 

Remus walked over to Sirius, his joints stiff from staying still. Sirius murmured in his sleep, shifting restlessly but not waking. Better then the nightmares, at any rate. Watching him, Remus made a decision and picked up his wand. 

"Euphorius." he said, waving the wand over Sirius. "For every year of sorrow in the past, may a year of joy lie in the future." 

The spell didn't take, though. Prophecy charms need a natural talent in that area, and Remus had none. 

"Well, then, a promise will have to do. I'll find a way to make up for what you had stolen from you, Sirius. I swear it." 

In the first sun of the dawn, an oath can be a powerful thing. 


End file.
